This is the transcript of one of the funniest sketches that I've ever seen.
Scene 13: What's So Funny About Biggus Dickus?
Trumpets sound
Pontius Pilate: ...Make one large living awea. Ahh.
Centurion: Hail Caesar.
Pilate: Hail.
Centurion: Only one survivor, sir.
Pilate: Ah. Thwow him to the floor.
Centurion: What, sir?
Pilate: Thwow him to the floor.
Centurion: Ah.
Whump
Brian: Aagh!
Pilate: Hmm. Now, what is your name, Jew?
Brian: 'Brian', sir.
Pilate: 'Bwian', eh?
Brian: No, no. 'Brian'.
Slap
Aah!
Pilate: Hoo hoo hoo ho. The little wascal has spiwit.
Centurion: Has what, sir?
Pilate: Spiwit.
Centurion: Yes. He did, sir.
Pilate: No, no. Spiwit, siw. Um, bwavado. A touch of dewwing-do.
Centurion: Oh. Ahh, about eleven, sir.
Pilate: So, you dare to waid us.
Brian: To what, sir?
Pilate: Stwike him, Centuwion, vewy woughly!
Slap
Brian: Aaah!
Centurion: Oh, and, uh, throw him to the floor, sir?
Pilate: What?
Centurion: Thwow him to the floor again, sir?
Pilate: Oh, yes. Thwow him to the floor, please.
Brian: Aah!
Whump
Pilate: Now, Jewish wapscallion.
Brian: I'm not Jewish. I'm a Roman.
Pilate: A Woman?
Brian: No, no. Roman.
Slap
Aah!
Pilate: So, your father was a Woman. Who was he?
Brian: He was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrisons.
Pilate: Weally? What was his name?
Brian: 'Nortius Maximus'.
Centurion: Ahh, ha ha!
Pilate: Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
Centurion: Well, no, sir.
Pilate: Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?
Centurion: Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it's a joke, sir,... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', sir.
Guard #4: chuckling
Pilate: What's so... funny about 'Biggus Dickus'?
Centurion: Well, it's a joke name, sir.
Pilate: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'.
Guard #4: chuckling
Pilate: Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behavior like that.
Brian: Can I go now, sir?
Slap
Aaah! Eh.
Pilate: Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this.
Guard #4: chuckling
Pilate: Wight! Take him away!
Centurion: Oh, sir, he-- he only--
Pilate: No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week.
Centurion: Yes, sir. Come on, you.
Guard #4: Ha ha haa ha, ha ha ha. Hooo hooo hoo hoo. Hoo hoo...
Pilate: I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus...
Guard #1: chuckling
Pilate: ...Dickus?
Guard #1: chuckling
Pilate: What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... 'Biggus'...
Guard #3: chuckle
Pilate: ...'Dickus'?
Guard #1 and Guard #2: chuckling
Pilate: He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called... 'Incontinentia'. 'Incontinentia Buttocks'.
Guards: laughing
Pilate: Stop! What is all this?
Guards: Ha, ha ha ha ha ha...
Pilate: I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behavior. Silence! Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards? You're not-- Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!
