Monty Python's Life of Brian - Biggus Dickus

This is the transcript of one of the funniest sketches that I've ever seen.

Scene 13: What's So Funny About Biggus Dickus?

Trumpets sound

Pontius Pilate: ...Make one large living awea. Ahh.

Centurion: Hail Caesar.

Pilate: Hail.

Centurion: Only one survivor, sir.

Pilate: Ah. Thwow him to the floor.

Centurion: What, sir?

Pilate: Thwow him to the floor.

Centurion: Ah.


Brian: Aagh!

Pilate: Hmm. Now, what is your name, Jew?

Brian: 'Brian', sir.

Pilate: 'Bwian', eh?

Brian: No, no. 'Brian'.



Pilate: Hoo hoo hoo ho. The little wascal has spiwit.

Centurion: Has what, sir?

Pilate: Spiwit.

Centurion: Yes. He did, sir.

Pilate: No, no. Spiwit, siw. Um, bwavado. A touch of dewwing-do.

Centurion: Oh. Ahh, about eleven, sir.

Pilate: So, you dare to waid us.

Brian: To what, sir?

Pilate: Stwike him, Centuwion, vewy woughly!


Brian: Aaah!

Centurion: Oh, and, uh, throw him to the floor, sir?

Pilate: What?

Centurion: Thwow him to the floor again, sir?

Pilate: Oh, yes. Thwow him to the floor, please.

Brian: Aah!


Pilate: Now, Jewish wapscallion.

Brian: I'm not Jewish. I'm a Roman.

Pilate: A Woman?

Brian: No, no. Roman.



Pilate: So, your father was a Woman. Who was he?

Brian: He was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrisons.

Pilate: Weally? What was his name?

Brian: 'Nortius Maximus'.

Centurion: Ahh, ha ha!

Pilate: Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?

Centurion: Well, no, sir.

Pilate: Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?

Centurion: Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it's a joke, sir,... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', sir.

Guard #4: chuckling

Pilate: What's so... funny about 'Biggus Dickus'?

Centurion: Well, it's a joke name, sir.

Pilate: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'.

Guard #4: chuckling

Pilate: Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behavior like that.

Brian: Can I go now, sir?


Aaah! Eh.

Pilate: Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this.

Guard #4: chuckling

Pilate: Wight! Take him away!

Centurion: Oh, sir, he-- he only--

Pilate: No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week.

Centurion: Yes, sir. Come on, you.

Guard #4: Ha ha haa ha, ha ha ha. Hooo hooo hoo hoo. Hoo hoo...

Pilate: I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus...

Guard #1: chuckling

Pilate: ...Dickus?

Guard #1: chuckling

Pilate: What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... 'Biggus'...

Guard #3: chuckle

Pilate: ...'Dickus'?

Guard #1 and Guard #2: chuckling

Pilate: He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called... 'Incontinentia'. 'Incontinentia Buttocks'.

Guards: laughing

Pilate: Stop! What is all this?

Guards: Ha, ha ha ha ha ha...

Pilate: I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behavior. Silence! Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards? You're not-- Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!

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